Archive for March, 2013

How Resilient Are Children Really?

Tuesday, March 19th, 2013

When a crisis or traumatic situation occurs we often hear people say something like “he/she will be fine. Children are very resilient. They will pull through it.”

Yes children and young people will “pull through” it but at what cost? At what cost to themselves? At what cost to society?

Let’s consider for a moment an adult experiencing a similar or the same traumatic experience, e.g. bereavement or marriage break up. How would the adult react to the situation?

They may have experiences such as:

  • Numbness
  • Being or feeling dumbfounded
  • Feeling isolated
  • Become angry
  • Become aggressive
  • Sullen
  • Lash out at others
  • Become excessively busy in an attempt to block the memories of the trauma/crisis
  • Talk excessively
  • Blame themselves for what happened
  • Blame others for what happened
  • Take on self destructive behaviours to cope with the situation (e.g. drugs, alcohol, self harm, abusing others etc)
  • Being Fearful
  • Begin to experience panic attacks
  • Become tearful
  • Take time off work
  • Ask for compassionate leave
  • Get depressed

Children are Humans too!

This list is only a minor sample of some possible ways that ADULTS react and
cope with a crisis or traumatic situation. Given that children and young people are Humans too, aren’t they? Why then do so many adults think that children will be ok by simply leaving them to get over it by themselves? That their resilience will make it all ok?

Children and young people experience the same emotions that adults do when faced with trauma, except in some cases their emotions are camouflaged by “childish” behaviour because ……….they are children!

This does not mean that the underlying emotions that have driven them to behave in these “childish” ways have disappeared. This is their way of dealing with the trauma; they simply act out.

 

Did You Know It Was An Inside Job?

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

People come into your life for a reason and being in a relationship provides us with undoubtedly the hardest challenges we face as adults as we are seldom taught to truly love ourselves as children, yet we are expected to know how to love other people as adults in very deep, meaningful, life changing situations such as that posed by marriages and other long term relationships. Relationships teach us, help us to learn life’s lessons and certainly help us to grow as more tolerant human beings if we choose to take up that opportunity. In order to truly love someone else, we must first learn and re-learn to love ourselves. It is impossible to love anyone else more than we love ourselves. The extent of the love we give out is a direct reflection of the love we have for ourselves.

“Be the change you want to see” -Mahatma Ghandi

MY ‘OTHER HALF’

We get fooled into thinking that the other person only needs to be ‘half ok’ and that we will make up the other half of the relationship, hence the all too common phrase ‘’my other half’’. A healthy relationship needs both parties to be whole, complete individuals in and of themselves, bringing their own happiness, uniqueness, love and abilities into the relationship.

My Partner Is Not Meeting My Needs

A lot of times if we are feeling unfulfilled in our relationship, we tend to aim the
focus of our discontent at our partners without taking sufficient time to focus on
what we might be doing to exacerbate the situation. I know it is easily done and
I have fallen prey to this situation myself in my previous marriage. One of the
things I was guilty of was focusing on what my ex-husband was or was not doing
within the relationship. When I had LEARNT to shift the focus from him to myself,
it was only then that I was able to focus on what I was doing and or not doing
in the relationship. I had to LEARN to take control of my own happiness and
decided that it would not depend on whether my ex-husband or anyone else was
making me happy.

WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?

Sometimes we think we know what our needs are, however, when it comes to naming them, we get stuck. If you were to ask your partner today to meet your needs better, what would you say? Do you know what your REAL needs are? Which needs are not being met?
When was the last time you did something spontaneous or special for your partner without expecting something in return? How are you meeting your partner’s needs? Do you know what your partner’s needs are? If you don’t know, then ASK them. Find out what they need in order to feel loved and connected. Sometimes just BEING THERE, being PRESENT is enough. If your partner is not meeting your needs, chances are you may not be meeting theirs either.

INSIDE JOB

You’ve got to give to others first before you can get what you want. If you want a better relationship, go to work on YOU. The problem is not necessarily out there and is usually an ‘inside job’. That is, rather than looking externally and pointing the finger at your partner, look within first. Rather than trying to ‘fix’ them, ‘fix’ you instead. Identify what you want in an ideal relationship and Start to act the way you would like your ideal relationship to be.
Identify where the ‘problem’ really lies: is it you, your partner or the relationship itself. Be honest with yourself and your partner. When you have identified the ‘problem’ then go to work on finding solutions and changing it.

“Be the change you want to see” -Mahatma Ghandi

True, Authentic Self

So, if you want your relationship to be better and grow, GO TO WORK ON YOU TODAY. As you love you more and more, and find your true, authentic self, you will be in a better position to give and share more of your love with your partner.

Loving Inspirations From Children

If you are still feeling unsure about what love is, here’s some inspirations from some children. Enjoy!

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands gotarthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

”When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

”Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

”I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (What an imagination) Karen – age 7